Why Lincoln would've been fine being a vampire hunter

by Josh

Due to hit the screen on June 22

I know I should not be excited to see this, but I am. I really do not even like vampires, but I do love Lincoln. You would think that perhaps that would mean I would not want to give this film my money. I mean isn't this dishonoring the name of Lincoln? I mean how dare you mar the reputation of honest Abe, The Great Emancipator?

You forgot President Awesome.

It might be hard to imagine this but Lincoln had a great sense of humor. I know looking at his few portraits of the time it is hard to imagine, but think about the time. Pictures were rare. If you are going to have at most ten pictures in a lifetime are you really going to waste one on a raspberry?

Shut up, Einstein. What did you know?

There was no facebook or camera phones to over saturate reality with our existence. Just think, a drunken bachelorette party will have more pictures taken in one night or perhaps an hour than arguably our greatest president during his entire lifetime. Can you imagine if today's technology existed then? Twitter?

#FreeSlaves

At least Instagram would be way more interesting.

Nice how old photos come pre-Instagammed. Who needs hipsters?

Despite what his portraits might portray to really know Lincoln, you must realize that these pictures might have been the few times he was not cracking a joke. Even during the darkest days he would try to make those around him laugh.

One time while reading some jokes to members of his cabinet he was met with some disapproval. He replied “Gentlemen, why don’t you laugh? With the fearful strain that is upon me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die, and you need this medicine as much as I do." Hear, hear, Mr. Lincoln.

Harper's Weekly September 17, 1864

When a friend visited and found the President to be in an unpleasant mood. "I’m afraid I have made Senator Wade of Ohio, my enemy for life," Lincoln said. "Wade was here just now trying to convince me that I should dismiss Grant, and, in response to something he said, I remarked that that reminded me of a story."

"What did Wade say?" the friend asked."He wasn't happy," Lincoln answered. ‘Everything with you is story, story, story!’ Senator Wade said. He said I was the father of every military blunder that we've made, and that I am on the road to hell and I am not a mile off this minute." "What did you say to that?" asked the friend. "I just said to him," the President chuckled, "Senator, that is just about the distance from here to the Capitol, is it not?"

Even when he was younger we can see his comedic skills. Here is a poem he wrote while he was a teenager.

Abraham Lincoln
His hand and pen
He will be good but
God knows when

Luckily for us he got good.

I will now forever imagine that Lincoln is blurred because he could not help himself from getting one more "good one" in.

Lastly Lincoln was well known for visiting wounded soldiers. He would use his stories as a way to entertain them and ease their pain. A visitor to the hospital Lincoln had just left from heard wounded soldiers talking and laughing about the President. He became curious as to why these wounded soldiers seemed to be in such good spirits. 

"You must be very slightly wounded," he said to them.

"Yes," the soldier replied, "Very slightly. I have only lost one leg, and I'd be glad to lose the other, if I could hear some more of 'Old Abe's' stories." Tell me the last time you heard someone willing to pay a leg to get into a Dane Cook show?

But Lincoln's humor makes sense. What else could a 6'4" gawky man in a NBAless world do if he did not laugh? He had to have a sense of humor about himself. I mean he grew a beard just because a little girl suggested it. So I think he would have no problem with himself being portrayed as a vampire hunter. I could even see him up front with a big bucket of popcorn (hopefully sans hat). In fact, I think the only problem he would have with it is, why so serious?